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Dear Madame,
I'm an American woman living with a French man. We've been together for a year. We're madly in love with each other, but the problem is he won't grow up. We're both 28 but he wants to party with his friends all the time. I have asked him to stay in and chill out with me on at least Saturday nights, but he refuses. Sometimes he doesn't come back until five in the morning. What should I do? I'm trying of staying at home alone watching American series on video.
Signed,
DVD Girl from Missouri
Dear DVD Girl:
The first thing you should do is get off of your behind then go out and party with your girlfriends. My mother always used to say, "You can show someone better than you can tell 'em," so get out there Miss Missouri, and let your boyfriend know what the "Show Me" state is all about. Your boyfriend knows your habits and treats you this way because he knows you won't be going anywhere. You've become too predictable and available. Once he sees you are capable of having fun independently of him, he may begin to change his ways. If he doesn't try harder to spend time with you on Saturday nights, then getting out with your friends or finding other solo interests is a great way to meet a new man willing to invest time in a more mature relationship based on both sharing and fun. Good luck!
Dear Madame,
Help! I?ve been with a French man with origins from Martinique for eight months. I am American from New York. My guy has dinner with his mom every Sunday without fail. While I would love to join him, his mother won?t let me. In fact, I?ve only been invited to her house once. Is this normal? When I question him about why I?m not invited, he says it?s nothing personal; it?s just a family thing. Why am I excluded?
Signed,
Left out in the 15th
Dear Left out in the 15th:
I think you should consider yourself very lucky. Most women that I know are usually looking for an excuse to skip the obligatory Sunday dinner and are perfectly fine with not being invited back. Seriously speaking, the first thing that any woman involved with a French man should know is that the bond between a French man and his mother is sacrosanct. She is his first girlfriend, so having her approval is very important to him. Because of that bond, the mother knows her role within her son?s love life and is not afraid to use her influence over him when necessary.
Sunday dinners really are reserved for family members. Before I give my humble opinion, it?s fair to say that you didn?t mention your boyfriend?s current marital status. Whether or not your boyfriend is completely single, separated from a current wife or finalizing a divorce may speak volumes about why you have been excluded from the family dinners.
With that said, there could be many reasons for the excluded invitations. Maybe your boyfriend hasn?t communicated the seriousness of your relationship to his mother so his mother may not know the role you play in his life. If he is separated from his current wife or in the middle of a divorce, the mother may feel uncomfortable about having to take sides. If your boyfriend has children from a previous marriage, maybe the mother doesn't think it appropriate for you to be present at family gatherings until the children are ready to accept you. Or maybe the mother is not ready to envision the possibility of you becoming her future daughter-in-law. It?s a harsh reality but still maybe true nonetheless.
Also while it?s true that you?ve been dating your boyfriend for 8 months, it?s actually a very short period of time in the male dating life cycle. So he may not consider your relationship a serious one -- a least not just yet. You might want to consider allowing him more time, without pressure, to explore where he sees your relationship going. Additionally, I think you have to come clean about your relationship with your boyfriend, separating what that relationship really is from what you wish it would be. Then you need to sit him down and honestly discuss the future of your relationship, and if appropriate, express especially how the exclusion makes you feel.
Dear Madame,
I was at my first Christmas dinner with my French husband?s family in December, and all was going well until his 16 old cousin showed up with her 19-year-old boyfriend. What freaked me out is that said couple was allowed to share a bedroom together during our entire stay. I?m from a Christian family, very conservative, so this greatly bothered me and I lost sleep every night knowing they were right next door to us. When I approached my husband about it, he said it was normal and I shouldn?t worry about it. Is it? We?re going back for Easter and I?ve been told the little couple will be there too so I?m already dreading the trip.
Signed,
Old Fashioned
Dear Old-Fashioned:
I can understand why you found the situation upsetting. Whenever I return home to the United States, I still am not sure that my parents are comfortable with me sleeping in my old bedroom with my husband even though we've been married for many years now .
I think what you have to do is keep in mind that what goes on in someone else?s house is not your business. I think it's great to maintain your Christian values, but be mindful of judging your holiday hosts as "bad" people just because their views may differ from your own.
On the other hand, what goes on in the home you share with your husband is your business so I think you made the correct decision of broaching the subject with your French husband.
However, I also think you should be very specific in describing the types of situations that make you the most uncomfortable. For example, you might have a problem with underage couples sleeping together under your roof, but what about two consenting adults over the age of 18 or 21? Do you have a problem with gay couples sleeping together in your home? He should know exactly how you feel so you can discuss and agree on what types of sleeping behavior are acceptable in your home.
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